I’m back, BITCHESSS!!!

I have been planning this post since the day of my accident.  I know I posted about my first steps while I was still in the first hospital (read about it here if you need a refresher) but I’ve always been planning my comeback post.  I knew that it would mean that I finally felt like me again.  It has taken SO many unfinished posts, scribbles on napkins, and the fast approaching 9 month accident anniversary for me to finally piece together this post.  NINE FREAKING MONTHS.  Other people pop humans out of their vaginas and all I got was this post.  I should make that into a t-shirt.  But really, that’s how obsessed with blogging I was.  Blog 3 times a week.  Work 40+ hours.  Cofounder and Vice President of my volunteer group.  Hang out with friends constantly. Bake at least three times a week for parties, birthdays, or just to try a new recipe.

Yup.  My life was heaven.  But a busy fucking heaven at that.  Numerous people told me they lived vicariously through me but the truth is, I never had any time to myself.  No time to just slow down and take a deeeeeep breath.  It was just GO-GO-GO constantly.

Until that moment right before I hit the ground when I flew off my ATV.

In that moment, that super drawn out slow motion moment…it was like my life flashed before my eyes.  I didn’t process any of it, I only had time to yell “OH FUCK!!” before I hit the ground.

GRRR!!  I'm an animal!

Right before my accident, my family and I had stopped to explore some awesome artifacts.  I’m an animal…GRRR!!  An animal who had no idea of the terrible accident ahead of her.

I was also oblivious as shit in the first few weeks after my accident which didn’t help initiate my mental recovery process for a very long time.  I didn’t realize the extent of my injury.  I thought to myself that I’ll just go back to camp and read for the rest of the trip.  Maybe I’ll just get in the Commander (an off-roading vehicle for 2 people) and let my uncle drive.  Sit on a pillow or something to help my aching ass.  Not once did I think to myself that I had the potential to be majorly injured.  I think the shock numbed the pain initially.

I wasn’t ready for the news that came at the first hospital.

Doctor:  You’re not connected.

Me:  Excuse me?

Doctor:  You’re not connected. You broke your sacrum. Your break is unlike what we’ve seen before. Your top half of your spine is not connected to the bottom. We need to helicopter you immediately to a trauma center for evaluation to see if you need spinal surgery.

I was floored.  To make me feel better, the doctor and nurses had been telling me that it probably was just a bruised ass at best and not to worry about it.  The multiple X-rays and CT Scan proved otherwise.  I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like things to be sugar coated when I’m in serious situations, just tell it to me like it is.  I wasn’t expecting an injury that severe at all.

I was in shock.  No way that this could be happening to me.  A million and one worries crossed my mind in an instant but not once did I ever doubt my recovery.  It was never an option for me to fail or not fully recover.  In fact, it didn’t solidify as a thought so much so that it took months before I looked back and realized that I never even acknowledge the fact that if I had just given up on life and refused to work as hard as I did, I probably wouldn’t be back to where I am today.  But shit, it didn’t hit me that I couldn’t walk on my own for the longest time.

That sounds weird, right?  Just imagine, I’m fucking bedridden for days and those days turned into weeks.  But it all seemed very normal to me for some reason.  Very logical in a strange way.  I never thought to myself, “I can’t walk.”  I always thought, “Alright, what’s my next step?”  Literally :P  “What’s my game plan?

It didn’t help that throughout this entire ordeal, I felt immense guilt for my family.  Guilt that I tried burying deep within me but it was eating me up inside.  I already cut my family’s camping trip short because of my accident.  And then my family spent days/nights in uncomfortable hospital chairs just sitting with me.  Making sure I had everything I needed.  Sacrificing their time, putting a stop on their lives to cater to me.

I felt so guilty.  So horrible for wasting their time.  So mad and angry at myself for not being able to go to the bathroom, change my clothes, brush my teeth…  I couldn’t do fucking shit by myself and it ate me up inside.  Fuck.  It still bothers me now.  I can’t write, read, or even think about this without tears coming to my eyes.

I reverted back to a child in terms of care but with a fully matured, aware mind.  There’s nothing more humbling than consistently needing multiple nurses to pick you up and place you on a bedside toilet because you can’t fucking do it yourself.  And then crying while trying to hold yourself up on the handles using atrophied arm muscles because the pain from sitting on a toilet seat for even the slightest bit was too much to handle.

My poor mother had to dress me.  Pick up things that I accidentally dropped on the floor.  Feed me when I was too tired to move and could barely chew.  She did all those things while running on little to no sleep on hard ass plastic hospital chairs.  My aunts stayed with me for days on end making sure I had everything.  My uncle and cousin were so helpful and there for me right after the accident took place.  My extended family in other states sent their love and well wishes.

Fuck.  My entire family banded together to save me.  They kept me strong.  If it weren’t for every single one of them, I don’t think I could have made it.  Their love was so incredible, so unrelenting, and so ridiculously faithful that I was and still am completely floored by their generosity.  I feel like there is no way for me to repay them all for everything they’ve done except to rebuild myself better than before so that their efforts were not in vain.

It has taken me fucking forever it seems like to slowly get back on track.  I am not a patient person and allowing myself the time and leniency to recover was one of the hardest things for me to overcome mentally.  Many, many months after my accident, I’m happy to say that I feel a lot better but I’m still not where I want to be yet.  I’m not bothered as much though because I know I’ve taken the time to make sure each part of me is healing properly to make a better whole “me”.  I’m finally starting to feel a little of that crazy Vyvacious energy so many of my friends know me for.  I’ve been careful not to overexert myself and I’m pleased to see the slow but persistent progression in the right direction.  I don’t want to go back to the crazy schedule I had before so I have to sometimes remind myself to reel it in a little and not go overboard.

I also realized that learning to walk again was just the first step of many in my focused healing process.  That’s the first thing people ask me, “Was it hard to learn to walk again?”  Yes, it absolutely was.  But it was even harder to stay sane throughout the entire ordeal.  When you’re stuck in a chair or bed for days on end, cabin fever doesn’t even BEGIN to describe the insane frenzy you feel emitting from within your very core.  I’ve acquired more patience, more peace, and more strength from this crazy journey…and it feels so damn good.  When life takes away your physical prowess, even for the slightest bit, that’s when the true test begins to see just how strong you really are.  I’m glad I got the physical aspect of me almost to where I want it but I’m even happier that I stayed focused and became mentally stronger throughout the entire thing while maintaining my happy, thankful nature because I know just how fucking fortunate I actually am to get this second chance at life.

This second chance in life wouldn’t taste so sweet without all of you amazing people.  I just want to take the time to thank everyone who was so supportive during my recovery period.  All those messages, notes, flowers, gifts, food, visits, etc. really helped to keep me from becoming depressed in such a tough situation.  I know that I took a very long hiatus from social media and any real interaction with anyone.  It was necessary for me to heal.  I had to accept the fact that I was injured and I realized I couldn’t do that when I was getting showered with so much attention, albeit much appreciated attention.  After every visit from someone, whether it be family or friends, I would immediately pass out for hours afterward due to exhaustion.  I soon realized that I needed to retreat and accept the fact that I was severely injured so that I could truly start my healing process.  Thank you to those who understood my situation and respected my wishes to support me from afar.  Unfortunately, not everyone was so kind and understanding but sadly, when you’re at your lowest, you find out who your true friends are.

I hope that this post is read and shared out of love and genuine concern for my well-being, not out of the need to gossip and spread lies, I’ve had to deal with a lot of that bullshit too.  To those sad, messed up people, please get a life.  Focus on bettering yourself because for fuck’s sake, you need it.

This glove would like you to fuck off

For any new readers I may have obtained since the accident, please understand that my blog is quirky, over-the-top, and not meant for the highly sensitive.  If you don’t like what you’re reading, feel free to close out of my site and understand that it’s your choice to read what I post.

With that said, thank you again everyone for all your love and support. It feels so damn good to be blogging again. I’ve waited many months to be able to finally say this…

I’M BACK, BITCHESSS!! :P

Until next time, y’all :D

Vyvacious logo

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Comments
60 Responses to “I’m back, BITCHESSS!!!”
  1. Kitty Kat says:

    Hey girl.
    Just wanted to say something I’ve already told you. You are a crazy strong person. There is no one out there that could have pulled this recovery as well, and safely as you!

    Thanks for letting on the crazy ride!

    Like

  2. Nicole Marie says:

    YOU are hilarious and beautiful and quirky and so, so strong. So glad to see you back here and looking forward to more posts from here on out. Xoxoxoxox

    Like

  3. Brother Jon says:

    Glad to see you back. Can’t wait to see more post on this site, now that I know where they’re truly coming from. It was great to meet you in person and I can’t wait to see you again.

    Like

  4. Le Clown says:

    Vyvy,
    What was this, like 7000 words? Well, I read 10 random words, and they were spectacular.
    Great to have you back, Vyvy.
    Le Clown

    Like

  5. Wow, what a scary experience. I honestly don’t know how you managed to handle it, and bounce back as well as you have.

    When my grandma has cancer years ago, she talked about how humbling it was. Much of what you said here about going to the bathroom, getting dressed, dropping things…it echoed what she had said. Adult mind and baby body.

    So happy you had a group of strong, loving people by your side during your recovery. You’ve got such a great spirit!

    Like

    • vyvacious says:

      I just kept pushing for more because I couldn’t imagine myself any other way but better than I was before. So everyday that was my crazy motivation and I always tried to be thankful for what I had. It was tough. I won’t say I didn’t slip somedays and feel horrible but I accepted that was part of the process and tried not to beat myself up over it.

      It’s seriously tough. I’m sorry she had to go through that. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

      Thank you. I’m so glad too :)) you were one of those that helped, Jen! That Batman spotlight stayed me with the whole time in the rehab center!! ;) thanks so much <3

      Like

  6. Ira says:

    That was an amazing experience and a very touching post. I am so glad you recovered and back to your normal self. With my boring life, I live through your experiences and really appreciate your posts (and to sometimes get lucky to taste your treats), as well as being honored to know you and be your friend. I know you will always lead an exciting life, just hopefully only good experiences from now on.

    Like

    • vyvacious says:

      Thank you, Ira!! Me too :) hahaha you’re funny! But seriously thanks so much, Ira. I really value out friendship and everything you’ve helped me out with (you know what I’m talking about!! :P). I hope only good experiences from now on but life wouldn’t be life without a mix of good and bad.

      Like

  7. The Waiting says:

    So great to see you back! One thing I’ve learned in life is that friends and family only help you through the truly difficult times when they really love you. It sounds like you are surrounded by a lot of that love ;D

    Like

  8. Kitty Kat says:

    Ohhh, nice nail polish!!! I know that was momma bear holding “the finger” with you!!!

    Take that “asssshhhholes”! :-)

    Like

  9. Yay! It’s so great to see you back in my WordPress feed — I’ve missed your happy energy. I know (to a much lesser extent) the feeling of being frustrated and bedridden and needing my family (particularly my mom) to do everything for me. Just remember you’re not a burden to them — it’s just means you’re loved! =)

    Like

    • vyvacious says:

      Aww you’re so sweet!!! :D thank you so much! That means a lot to me :)

      There is no lesser or more. We all go through crazy difficult experiences so discount yours! That’s freaking horrible. Like I said in another comment on Facebook, I would never wish it upon anyone so I’m very sad you had to experience it at all.

      What beautiful words :)) thank you for that!! I love it <3

      Like

  10. Soapmouth says:

    Wow, I had no idea you had an accident. Hope everything is getting better though. Keep your head up!

    Like

  11. RFL says:

    Your strength and resilience shine through every word here Vyvy. I’m so glad that you’re back, that I had the chance to meet you, and that you were able to recover from this accident. A humbling and inspiring story.

    Like

  12. Vyvy,
    I am so happy that I had the opportunity to meet you at BI. I had no idea who you were when you arrived, but you immediately reeled me in with your infectious enthusiasm and energy. You are, without a doubt, a rock star. Big hugs!

    Like

  13. TJLubrano says:

    VYVY! I’m SO happy you’re back with your rambling words! I’m technically on my day off, but I so wanted to leave my comment for you :) You kept this post real, while being yourself :) I can only imagine how it must have been for you, but you pulled through! And instead of feeling down and sad you can inspire others with your story to still find the happiness for yourself when the days are darker. And as for the guilt you felt (still feel?) towards your family? Just remember that they poured out their love for you so you would have the strenght to heal and get back on your feet. You only became a stronger woman because of it with an even more fiery passion for life and fun things! I truly admire your strenght and the way you faced this difficult time in your life! <3

    Also. Did I mention that I'm beyond happy that you're back? Hehe :D <3

    Like

    • vyvacious says:

      My dear TJ!!! <3 :)) haha me and my rambling words :P aww how nice! I'm so glad you feel like that, I know I was expressing my concern on how the post would come off as I was doing my final stages of editing. You're so right. I am truly appreciative of my family for helping me get back to this point today :)) thank you!!

      I AM BEYOND HAPPY TO BE BACK TO THIS CRAZY BLOGGING COMMUNITY!! <3 <3 I missed you, TJ!! :)

      Like

  14. Cathy Ulrich says:

    Dear Vyvy,
    Sooo good to see you back! And back on your feet. I know you’re getting stronger and stronger and I’m looking forward to some of those crazy-good baking recipes soon.
    Cathy

    Like

  15. omg, this made me cry! You have a way with tribute words to your family :) You definitely expressed yourself well!

    Also – I think I recognize that room! =D

    Like

    • vyvacious says:

      Awww! Writing it made me randomly burst into tears. Haha. But it felt so good when I was finally done editing it just right :D

      Thank you!! I’m glad it came off well :)) they mean so much to me that I did the best that I could!

      Bahahaha yes ma’am!! You brought me some delicious pizookies and ice cream in that room ;) thanks so much for that btw, you really brightened my day!

      Like

  16. Twindaddy says:

    It’s good to have you back VehVeh. I’m sorry for all the shit you went through, but it seems you’ve come through it stronger than you ever were before and for that I am thankful.

    Like

  17. Katie (Kuroishi) Turner says:

    Oh my goodness. I actually had no clue what had happened to you. All I noticed was that blogs had stopped but you started to get active on yelp again and you were liking my photos on Instagram. I figured you were making a come-back from something. I had no idea it would be something so serious! After reading this blog I texted my dad; he said the two of you aren’t working on the same project so he doesn’t see you much but that you are back at work. This is great news! Considering all you’ve suffered with.

    Its tests like this that make us stronger in life, to appreciate life and the love of those around us even more. As a believer in Christ I would say its a test of His strength in your life so that you can overcome crazy stuff like this. But I don’t know where you stand on faith. So I’ll just say, congrats on your healing, keep on healing, never stop healing, and continue to share your healing with the world. Much love and looking forward to seeing more of what you’re up to!
    -Katie

    Like

  18. SocietyRed says:

    Vyvy, Vyvy, Vyvy,
    You’re so fucking cool. This post is the perfect re-entry.
    Not sure if I ever really said thank you for surprising us last month. Thank you!
    You’re the best.
    Love from Seattle,
    Red

    Like

    • vyvacious says:

      HAHAHAHA!! Thank you so much my dear Red :) haha you’re welcome! I was SO excited to surprise you and the look on your face was worth the crazy shit I had to go through to get there. Can’t wait to see you two sexy people in a few months!! <3

      Like

  19. Vyvy,
    I barely know you, and I’m so proud of you. Your energy and positive outlook are infectious, & to learn this about you {your strength, resilience–mentally/not just physically, & good humor through it all} makes me even more grateful that I was able to connect with you at the Blogger conference. Raising my glass to you–cheers!! {literally, it’s hump-day, & you bet I’ve got a glass of wine in my hand} Welcome back! xoxo

    Like

    • vyvacious says:

      You are so sweet!! Thank you so much!! I’m so glad my positivity is infectious! :)) thank you, thank you! Damn. I need to come over and have a glass of wine with you, I got shit here at the house!! Haha. Well, I’m raising an imaginary glass…to the next time I find myself in Austin so we can go gorge on delicious food ;)

      Like

  20. becca3416 says:

    Vyvy, hell yes to this post. So glad to see you posting again! Weee! I relate so incredibly hard to the feelings you described, from feeling like you never stopped (go, go, go) to the feelings of guilt when things forced you to stop and let people help you. As Jon said, I am so thrilled to have met you, you crazy wonderful human being. Keep being you boo. <3

    Like

    • vyvacious says:

      Yaaay! Thank you so much, Becca :) yes!! It’s so tough to shake those crazy feelings but sometimes you just have to for the sake of greater good for yourself. It took me a long time to get the ball rolling but at least it is…very slowly. Haha!

      <3 Blogger Interactive was so much fun!! I can't wait to surprise you again by asking for the time ;) Bahahaha! Thank you :D

      Like

  21. Monk Monkey says:

    Yessss!!! The world is a better place now, people!

    And yes – please wear that t-shirt!!!

    Like

  22. Monk Monkey says:

    Reblogged this on Monk Monkey and commented:
    A lovely lady is back online. Meet her, why don’t you?

    Like

  23. The Mama says:

    Vy! I had just been wondering about you. I am so freaking sorry about your accident and so fucking glad that you have amazing people to support you throughout recovery. Hugs to you.

    Like

  24. maedez says:

    You know I am thrilled that you are back, but I will say it anyway: I am thrilled that you are back! This post is fucking fabulous, too. I also cannot wait to see large photos of decadent desserts, and not just small ones on Instagram. I need my Vyvacious food porn.

    Like

  25. Mitzie Mee says:

    I never realized that your conditions was so serious! I’m shocked and at the same time so very happy to hear that you are getting better. I’ve missed your blog posts but now I understand why you haven’t been blogging for so long (in the meantime I’ve enjoyed your Instagram updates).
    Anyway, I’m really excited about you blogging again, that’s awesome!

    Like

    • vyvacious says:

      Thanks so much!! I am excited to be back too though I don’t have the same momentum as I used to yet. It’s taking me a lot longer to craft posts than before but I’m hoping to have one soon :)

      Like

  26. mv71 says:

    i could only begin to imagine what you went through, reading your post shows your strength and resilience…having met you in austin i could see your positive wonderful personality shining strongly like the bat signal in the sky. ( sorry i just couldn’t pass the reference up) glad your back, now get to baking!

    Like

  27. shop nbc says:

    I feel that is among the such a lot important info for me.
    And i am glad reading your article. But should remark on some basic issues, The site style is ideal, the articles is in point of fact great :
    D. Good activity, cheers

    Like

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  1. […] can see my first post after my accident when I took my first steps again, another one detailing the emotional rollercoaster my rehabilitation process entailed, […]

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