Who am I?

I’m not gonna lie…  I’ve been sitting on this post for weeks, maybe months.  I didn’t really change too much in between then and now, it just didn’t feel right.  Things were still going wonky in my life, I didn’t feel completely settled into my new place yet, my skin decided to have some crazy reactions I had to remedy, etc.  And then I realized, shit is never going to die down because life is always going to be crazy.

I assumed post-accident that once I healed my bones and gained my mobility back that everything would just naturally fall into place.  Oh, how wrong I was ;)

In my mind, my life was one big, happy ball of awesomeness before my accident.  Unfortunately, this was a false assumption because life always has its crazy moments and the pressure I placed on myself to bring my life back to this ideal fantasy land was overwhelming and unrealistic.  I kept wondering why I wasn’t just automatically happy again.

Dammit Vyvy, you can walk again, wipe your own ass again, even dance…  Why aren’t you overcome with joy and doing little jigs everywhere you go?  Instead, you’re overcome with this uncertainty, apprehension, and anxiety that you can’t seem to shake.

I think it’s because I thought I had myself all figured out down to the tee.

I’m Vyvy.  I’m quirky.  And weird. And (sometimes, too) quick to trust and love.

I love Batman.  And food.  And I like to drown myself in loud, attention-grabbing Batman garb.

I drive fast.  I’m a hugger.  And I over-plan.

All these things make up who I am today.  I couldn’t pinpoint it for a while but ever since my accident, something was fucking off.  It drove me fucking mad that I couldn’t grasp it or shake off those ever constant blues that kept creeping up on me for the longest time.

I’m so happy I can walk again.  I’m so happy to have a semblance of my old life again.  So happy to have people in my life who care about me and love me.  Maybe that’s what makes me even crazier that I feel this way.  That I have all these things that should make me feel elated but for whatever reason, I’m just fucking not.

Some of my friends and family that I open up to don’t get it.  They try.  But they just don’t.

“But you’re all healed! , “they say. “You’re walking again, be grateful!”

I am.  For all these things and more, I’m forever grateful.  But I don’t think the damage is physical anymore.  I want to be (what I consider) fully healed.  To enjoy my life once again without a worry.

With rain, comes clouds

But maybe that’s the thing that’s been bugging me.  That I can never go back to the carefree, roaming Vyvy that I once was because in the back of my mind, I have to worry about my well-being.  I can’t just go skydiving out of the blue because I see my friend post about it on Facebook.  I can’t joyously agree to go kart racing at a fast indoor track for fear of an accidental collision setting me back months.

Who am I then if I can’t be spontaneous and fearless anymore?  Isn’t that how I built myself to be?  To be the kind of person I always craved to be growing up so I just fucking went for it one day, sick and tired of being caged to a certain stereotype.

What do you mean I can’t just throw my walker to the side and sashay my sexy self to the dance floor?

This concept was so foreign to me because it was so frustratingly similar to what I had been proactively moving away from – what I considered to be mundane and typical.

Now, I don’t know what to think.  Should I be spontaneous or will it come back to bite me in the ass?  Literally.  Or do I plan out every activity until my eyes bleed as a precaution?  This shift in mindset is driving me nuts.  I don’t feel like me.  I feel confused.  Always second guessing myself.  But at the same time, extremely grateful for everything that I have.  This rollercoaster of emotions that I can’t seem to escape is taxing and I don’t know how to deal with it.

In the past, while I felt like my posts were mine of course, they were still geared towards an audience.  This one is solely for me to figure out what the hell is going on and to maybe help others who have gone through similar accidents and weren’t expecting all these feelings of distress post-accident.

I never saw any of these particular challenges coming.  But now, I’m starting to realize that I need to accept that life will always be rocky but beautiful.  That with rain comes clouds, and y’all know how much I fucking love clouds :P  And just because everything isn’t going PERFECTLY, doesn’t mean things aren’t still damn good.  I will never reach that unreasonable perfection I was striving for, but someday, I will begin to appreciate again the nuances in life and realize that everything will be okay, because everything already is :)  If you’ve read this to the end, kudos to you and thanks for allowing me to just be me.

Life will always be rocky but beautiful

Until next time, y’all! :P

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Comments
19 Responses to “Who am I?”
  1. maedez says:

    Don’t be so hard on yourself, Vyv. Of course you are the-same-but-not-quite-the-same as you were before your accident. If something like that doesn’t make you question things, what will? I hope you are otherwise doing well, and it is nice to see you back here!

    Liked by 1 person

    • vyvacious says:

      Thank you! <3 It's hard for me not to always be pushing myself as it's something I am used to. Someone recently told me that I should love myself as I love others and maybe I'll finally understand the kind of person I already am. I am doing fantastic! Since I've written the post, I've had an outpouring of love and am feeling better everyday :) Thanks, it's so nice to be back and have lovely people to talk to.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Jo says:

    Love you, Vyvy! That’s life for ya; it will always have its ups and downs. We must learn to flow like water, over the rocks in life, and find the perfection in the imperfections.

    Liked by 1 person

    • vyvacious says:

      Aww love ya too, Jo!! I’m starting to re-realize that :) For whatever reason, it was hard for me to find beauty in everyday things post-accident which frustrated me so much because I did before. It’s slowly coming back to me now :) I started practicing Falun Dafa a little via some DVDs and it made me think of you and your husband and the classes you two host!

      Like

  3. Brother Jon says:

    I think I know what you mean. This usually just takes time. Ups and downs are a part of everyday life, whether we are happy or not. While perfection is technically unattainable, I don’t think that’s very important. The important thing is that we continue to STRIVE towards perfection. As long as we are at least trying the rest will fall into place. You’ll be okay, and I think you know that.

    It was so great to actually meet you last year, and because of that I can understand why some people might question you when you say you’re not “right”. I thought (think) you were (are) wonderful. How about we pop in Finding Nemo? Just Keep Swimming. Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • vyvacious says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words! They mean so much to me.

      Yes, how can someone so bubbly and otherwise happy still feel “off” – BLASPHEMY! :P I love that movie! Love ya too, BroJo. Thanks again :)

      Like

  4. Twindaddy says:

    I think you’ll get there. Also, there’s no such thing as perfection. Dammit…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Cathy Ulrich says:

    Thanks for sharing your feelings here, Vyvy. You’re such an awesome person and certainly – like all of us – complex. And while you’re not asking for help here, I would offer a suggestion: I suspect you’re dealing with some PTSD and I have found that a form of therapy called EMDR helps with that a lot. I’m sure there are therapists in your area who do it. Just a thought. Blessings to you, Vyvy and your big, beautiful self!

    Liked by 1 person

    • vyvacious says:

      Oh, you’re welcome, Cathy! It’s new for me to do so publicly. Usually I write poetry or short stories but haven’t really shared anything since high school/college competitions.

      How interesting! I just did some research on it and it seems promising. Thanks so much for bringing it to my attention, I appreciate it :)

      Thank you!!! <3 I hope you're doing well!

      Like

  6. theorangedreamer says:

    Life will be hard. Period. It is just about the attitude we choose to embrace it. I adored this post and your complete blog. Thank you for sharing your journey. Thumbs up for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • vyvacious says:

      I totally agree. Sometimes I forget that since it can seem (from a social media standpoint) that others’ lives are so effortless. Yes, absolutely. Reinventing myself post-accident has helped me gain that wonderful attitude all over again :)

      Wow, thank you so much!! You’re so welcome! :D

      Liked by 1 person

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