Who am I?
I’m not gonna lie… I’ve been sitting on this post for weeks, maybe months. I didn’t really change too much in between then and now, it just didn’t feel right. Things were still going wonky in my life, I didn’t feel completely settled into my new place yet, my skin decided to have some crazy reactions I had to remedy, etc. And then I realized, shit is never going to die down because life is always going to be crazy.
I assumed post-accident that once I healed my bones and gained my mobility back that everything would just naturally fall into place. Oh, how wrong I was ;)
In my mind, my life was one big, happy ball of awesomeness before my accident. Unfortunately, this was a false assumption because life always has its crazy moments and the pressure I placed on myself to bring my life back to this ideal fantasy land was overwhelming and unrealistic. I kept wondering why I wasn’t just automatically happy again.
Dammit Vyvy, you can walk again, wipe your own ass again, even dance… Why aren’t you overcome with joy and doing little jigs everywhere you go? Instead, you’re overcome with this uncertainty, apprehension, and anxiety that you can’t seem to shake.
I think it’s because I thought I had myself all figured out down to the tee.
I’m Vyvy. I’m quirky. And weird. And (sometimes, too) quick to trust and love.
I love Batman. And food. And I like to drown myself in loud, attention-grabbing Batman garb.
I drive fast. I’m a hugger. And I over-plan.
All these things make up who I am today. I couldn’t pinpoint it for a while but ever since my accident, something was fucking off. It drove me fucking mad that I couldn’t grasp it or shake off those ever constant blues that kept creeping up on me for the longest time.
I’m so happy I can walk again. I’m so happy to have a semblance of my old life again. So happy to have people in my life who care about me and love me. Maybe that’s what makes me even crazier that I feel this way. That I have all these things that should make me feel elated but for whatever reason, I’m just fucking not.
Some of my friends and family that I open up to don’t get it. They try. But they just don’t.
“But you’re all healed! , “they say. “You’re walking again, be grateful!”
I am. For all these things and more, I’m forever grateful. But I don’t think the damage is physical anymore. I want to be (what I consider) fully healed. To enjoy my life once again without a worry.
But maybe that’s the thing that’s been bugging me. That I can never go back to the carefree, roaming Vyvy that I once was because in the back of my mind, I have to worry about my well-being. I can’t just go skydiving out of the blue because I see my friend post about it on Facebook. I can’t joyously agree to go kart racing at a fast indoor track for fear of an accidental collision setting me back months.
Who am I then if I can’t be spontaneous and fearless anymore? Isn’t that how I built myself to be? To be the kind of person I always craved to be growing up so I just fucking went for it one day, sick and tired of being caged to a certain stereotype.
What do you mean I can’t just throw my walker to the side and sashay my sexy self to the dance floor?
This concept was so foreign to me because it was so frustratingly similar to what I had been proactively moving away from – what I considered to be mundane and typical.
Now, I don’t know what to think. Should I be spontaneous or will it come back to bite me in the ass? Literally. Or do I plan out every activity until my eyes bleed as a precaution? This shift in mindset is driving me nuts. I don’t feel like me. I feel confused. Always second guessing myself. But at the same time, extremely grateful for everything that I have. This rollercoaster of emotions that I can’t seem to escape is taxing and I don’t know how to deal with it.
In the past, while I felt like my posts were mine of course, they were still geared towards an audience. This one is solely for me to figure out what the hell is going on and to maybe help others who have gone through similar accidents and weren’t expecting all these feelings of distress post-accident.
I never saw any of these particular challenges coming. But now, I’m starting to realize that I need to accept that life will always be rocky but beautiful. That with rain comes clouds, and y’all know how much I fucking love clouds :P And just because everything isn’t going PERFECTLY, doesn’t mean things aren’t still damn good. I will never reach that unreasonable perfection I was striving for, but someday, I will begin to appreciate again the nuances in life and realize that everything will be okay, because everything already is :) If you’ve read this to the end, kudos to you and thanks for allowing me to just be me.
Until next time, y’all! :P