Breasts, blue balls, and sperm – It’s a party over here
Last week, my aunt was talking about grabbing breasts…last night, she wanted to give me blue balls. I’m confused and highly disgusted.
Here’s a little back story. My cousin ran into something and got this huge bruise right under and to the side of his knee. I was being a smart ass and that’s when things started getting interesting…
Aunt: Don’t make me give you a ball like your cousin has!!
Me (with a look of feigned terror on my face): Blue balls…?
Aunt: YES!!
*Laughter*
Cousin: Do you know what blue balls even ARE?!
Aunt: No!
And that’s when I proceeded to explain to my aunt how men come (or rather…not come…?) to have blue balls. I shouldn’t have expected anything less.
C’mon, this is the woman who told my cousin that sperm was like a chicken egg! I remember it just like it was yesterday… My cousin was 11 and we were watching the news. A reporter was talking about a new study that keeping your cell phone in your pocket can cause men to lose sperm. To which, my cousin asked ″What’s sperm?″. I have never seen my mom and two aunts so uncomfortable in their lives.
Literally, my aunt responded with ″Umm…ehh…uhh…it’s…it’s……it’s like a chicken egg″!!
I took a moment to think how screwed up my cousin would have been had he walked into school one day and said, ″I had some damn good sperm for breakfast this morning! Nice and fresh!!″ Oh the horror.
I had to quickly intervene and save the poor child from future humiliation. There’s no saving my aunt though. I’m glad she didn’t pull her whole ″I’m gonna give you blue balls″ spiel at my cousin’s water polo banquet a few hours earlier. That could have easily went from bad to worse. I still chuckle at the thought of it :P
So remember kids…grab breasts, my aunt will give you blue balls, and sperm = a chicken egg! Now go! Go live a normal, healthy life ;)
But before you go, I leave you with some shiny blue balls courtesy of Mama Bear. Dang, my family is all sorts of strange :P
Until next time, y’all!! :P
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[…] least this wasn’t as bad as the mishap that happened with my aunt when she wished blue balls on me. Yeah, my family is weird. But I love weird so it all works […]
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[…] Why? Because I can’t make this shit up, folks. All that talk about grabbing breasts, blue balls, sperm = a chicken egg, buttseks, getting coal for Christmas… It’s all part of the […]
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Vyvacious 
LOLZ … You guys are crazy!
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Haha! Now you know why I’m so weird. My family is freaking weirdER! :P
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You never explained the whole grabbing breast part … Who did what??? LOL
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You gotta click on the “grabbing breasts” link! Or just read my post from a few times ago…I believe it was titled “It’s a breast-grabbing-kinda Thanksgiving…” :P
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Very funny, Vyv.
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Thanks! :)
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On behalf of your understandably traumatized 11-year-old self, I’m sorry…
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Thank you. Nevertheless, the damage is done…but maybe that’s why I’m so (enjoyably) weird nowadays… :P
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The chicken egg thing!!!!!!!! HAHA. Parents say the dumbest stuff when they’re put on the spot.
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Haha seriously, right?! It’s hilarious and also quite traumatizing for kids sometimes.
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